Friday, February 11, 2011

Covered by Warranties

A friend of mine suggested blogging about things that I would be doing anyway.  Something I was doing anyway last week was sorting through our manuals and warranties.  No, wait!  It was WAY more exciting than it sounds-  OK, I can't lie to you like that.  It was actually even less exciting than it sounds, and way more time consuming.

But as I was flipping through the evidence of many of the purchases we've made in the last 13 years, a handful of these bits were striking to me, for one reason or another.  And since I was doing it anyway...

 Big hair?  Check.  Big computer?  Check.  Got this in the 80's?  Oh, you better believe it.

Yes, we own an AUTHENTIC "Pasture Bedtime" plate of the "Home Is Where the Herd Is" "Cow-lection".  Makes your counterfeit version pretty uncool seeming, no?

Fascinating and provocative hints!  I don't even know where to begin.

Salad Forks...  They'll turn up at nearly every meal!  For salads, pies, cakes, pastries, fruits and fish.
Uh, Harvard comma, anyone?

Place Fork...  The universal tableware piece for entrees.  Can also be used as a dessert fork.
What are you, MacGyver?  Is there like a button that you press to make that transition?  Sounds confusing.

Place Knife...  Serves equally well as a butter knife, bread knife, or dessert knife.
Not trying to start anything here, but the butter knife is right at the bottom of this list!  Shh!!!

Place Spoon...  The most versatile spoon you can own!
More versatile than a spoon with a fork on the other end of it?  And a computer in the handle?  That you can use as a car?  Check and mate!
Use for puddings, fruit, cereals--even, in a pinch, as a serving spoon.
Well sure--if the Mentos guy happens to be at my party.  But the rest of us are just kind of screwed, aren't we?

Teaspoon...  You can't have too many!
Oh, can't I?  Sounds like a challenge to me!
Perfect for cereal, dessert, coffee, ice cream and fruits.
But not tea so much--need a stirring spoon for that.  This is known as "The Flatware Maker's Paradox."

Large Serving Spoon...  For vegetables, fruits, desserts, casseroles and stuffing.
What about mashed potatoes?  Seems like an oversight.

Sugar Spoon...  Another multi-purpose server!
You are very excitable!
Ideal of jellies, jams, condiments, sauces--as well as for sugar.
Question: Do I need to rinse the jelly off the spoon before I put it back in the sugar bowl?

Serving Fork...  For cold meats, cheese slices, chops, waffles, sliced tomatoes.  And to match up with the pierced serving spoon for a salad set.
I never realized how badly the word "chops" needs a modifier--without one, it sticks out like a sentence fragment or a stack of hot meat pancakes with tomato wedges.

Butter Knife...  Not only for serving butter-- 
Do tell!
these handy knives appear on the hors d'oeuvres tray for cheese, pates, spreads.
And Cheese Whiz!  It TOTALLY spreads Cheese Whiz like nobody's business.

Nothing funny about this bad boy.  This warranty is to other warranties what Crocodile Dundee's knife is to other knives.  "That ain't a warranty.  THAT'S a warranty."  I have cashed this in: Sent in my backpack with a broken zipper, asked if they could fix it, and they sent me a brand new backpack.  Well done, Jansport.  Now THAT backpack is in my basement, also with a broken zipper, unused for many years.  Will I ever get around to sending it in to be replaced?  Sounds like a future blog post!

"NEVER attempt to deep fat fry in a microwave oven."
BUT--if you do--PLEASE call me first, because that would be freakin' awesome to see.

This is the cover to a pretty thick manual, and I'm totally fine with the minimalist design approach.  Here's the thing though, and I'm not exaggerating: I tried to figure out for about 5 minutes what this manual is for.  It's something that you can use with your computer--I got that much, but then got sick of trying.  I'm just sayin', maybe that sort of information could make the cover, maybe even at the expense of "Printed in Mexico."  Maybe?

And thank YOU, kind sir, for congratulating me on owning a pen.  You may be surprised to hear this, but you are actually the first person to congratulate me for this.  I wonder what people are waiting for?  Me to run a marathon?  Earn a graduate degree?  Get married?  Well, those things may be worthy of congratulations for SOME people, but not me--no, I DON'T accept the ordinary, not like those disposable-plastic-stick holding folk.  Oh, and thanks for the tip on replacing the ink.  I got a little lost on the "Reassembling" step, so I've just been keeping the refill in my pocket next to the pen shell.  Write with the one, impress the ladies with the other!  You know what I'm talking about.  ;)

OK, Bill, a couple of things:
1)  The apostrophe in your SONG'S FROM THE RADIO mix?  You don't need it.
2)  I know "SONGS FROM THE RADIO" SEEMS like a really specific title for a tape, but--and I'm hoping this is a teachable moment--there are a lot of songs on the radio.  Just something to think about.
3)  Fancy labels are great.  I use them myself.  Fancy labels on VHS tapes, audio cassette tapes, and 3.5 inch floppy disks?  Maybe that's time you could spend elsewhere, you know?  Like practicing karaoke, perhaps?

That's all for now.  We'll balance off this tomfoolery next week with something dark and/or thoughtful.  See you Wednesday.


1 comment:

  1. I feel so enlightened after learning the appropriate uses for my serving utensils! Thank you! And DO call us if you decide to break the rules and deep-fat fry something in the microwave! :) Keep it coming, Rob!
    - Niccole